A Gift I Can't Get :(

I realized about five minutes ago that I get annoyed really easily and I don't really know what to do with that feeling.. It is just a name on a Christmas gift. But the fact is I think what bothers me the most about it, is I had no idea that things were getting that serious. I mean he is my best friend, I am supposed to know things like who he is dating and such. And yet, I had no idea. Now, gifts sit underneath my Christmas tree all marked from Jon and Lisa. I am stunned. I mean, yes I don't really like her, and I have told him this much but it still bothers me that I am not important enough to know that they are that serious?? Its just bothersome and I think the worst part is, is that it hurts.

We used to tell one another everything and now we can barely tell one another about our day. I miss the friend I had and I want him back. I just don't know what to do anymore...

I am Proud

Today is the day, are you enjoying  it? Or are you allowing it to consume you, tear you apart and make a stew out of you? It seems that the trouble these days has nothing to do with our present society but the fact that the citizens are forgetting who they are. Have you done anything lately that you are proud of? Something that makes you stand up straight, scream at the sky saying I did it, I succeeded and today I am proud of myself. Is that not what we all want to be able to do?


 We walk this earth for a short amount of time but we take for granted the time we spend alone, we cannot face the facts that maybe we are meant for more than the mundane life we are leading. When do you realize that? When do you take back control, and decide what your life is going to be like. It is not something that can be taken lightly, we must fight for our strength, we must learn from our past and we must remember to keep moving forward. The moment you stop, is the moment you lose your momentum towards a life that you want. That is the moment that you find that you are not who you thought you were. You are not what everyone expects. At some point, you will disappoint people, and you will disappoint yourself-it is important to learn that these disappointments are what will propel you forward. They will rejuvenate you and create a new spark. So, you didn’t win the race on Saturday. Do you give up?


 No, you practice harder, run harder, and never look back and before you know it you are in the winner’s circle holding up that glorious trophy. Because that is all we want, a reward for our accomplishments. Someone to validate our self-esteem and say, congratulations.  That is why it is important to get this message across. We can validate our own victories. They do not have to be races, or games. They can be simple victories like getting up in the morning. It’s something that is easily overlooked but very important for any person to accomplish. Would you be where you are today if you did not first wake up?


Until next time


:)  

35,000?!?!?! Where do I even begin???

I have been out of the loop for a good month I think :/ It was good for me though, I needed to evaluate some things and think about how my life is going right now. It seems weird to be a 22 year old college graduate, however, if seems even stranger that I have allowed myself to stand idle. I am not usually the kind of person who stands backs and forgets to live but that is exactly what I have been doing. In the past month my roommate Mike and I got into a huge fight. Honestly, I am not entirely sure what it was about but it took us 2 weeks to actually apologize. In that time I went and stayed with my dad.

Those 2 weeks reminded me as to why I live on my own. I love my father to death but being home is kind of a life sucker for me. I don't go out and do anything. I have no motivation and all I did was work and sit around. Well... I also became slightly addicted to the show True Blood which is totally amazing. And this will not be the only time I ever mention it. But that is a whole other story for another day entirely :) Back to this past month.

I think I may have ruined a started relationship. If that is what you call it.. It was 3 years of tension all boiled down to one evening when we finally allowed ourselves to explore the idea of a relationship. Except, I did what I always do and I cut him off. I have barely talked to him in the past month and I won't even go see him.  I am a basketcase :) But I am dealing. I'll figure something out, I usually do.

Well... I also decided to get another job :D Oh boy.. Now I am going to overwork myself but its all for a good cause. I got the total for my student loans.... $35,000... Private college sucks :(

Now to begin the next chapter. I'm home, working, and seemingly at ease with things. I hope it stays this way. And I hope 35,000 dollars disappears really fast!!!!!!!!

Until the next time..
Enjoy life :)

The Dream

Today I woke up early, which is unusual because as of lately I have been sleeping in until I decide my bed is no longer the place I want to be. It is not very often however. Over the past couple of months I have lost interest in the person I am, I have no motivation, no goals. I am tired of being that girl. Today, I am starting over. I am going to set out and do everything I had planned to do once I graduated college. No more feeling sorry for myself or allowing myself to waste my days.

1. I am going to write every day, and not just say that I will. My life is going to be about doing, not standing idle.

2. I am going to take charge of my health and remember what it is like to eat right, exercise daily.

3. I am going to get in touch with old friends and begin making new friends.

4. I am going to do what I want. I will get my masters degree, I will find a better job and I will not back down.

5. I am going to remember that I am fearless.

By getting back in touch with my own reality, I hope to make myself the person I always wanted to be. Instead of living in my head, I am going to take charge once again and find my reason to wake up every morning and be.

"Don't let the negativity given to you by the world disempower you. Instead give to yourself that which empowers you." Les Brown

This is my motto. I live in a time when dreams seem to be scolded and lives told how to live. I am tired of living in a place that tells you that you do not have a chance to make your dreams come true. I am done with the negative, today I begin to live for one person and that person is ME. I think it is time to start being selfish and start living.

A Mirror is Harder to Hold

There are days when you just need to be by yourself. Today, I choose to put my headphones in and listen to music. I thought a lot about what I was listening to as well as I found myself hitting repeat on certain songs or the need to hear a couple others. Therefore, as of right now I have listened to the same 5 songs for about 6 hours straight.

1. Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad by Def Leppard

2. A Mirror is Harder to Hold by Jon Foreman

3. Animal by Neon Trees

4. New Low by Middle Class Rut

5. Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi

These five songs pretty much explain exactly how I am feeling at this moment. I find it quite interesting that what you listen to is a direct explanation of the mood you are in. I can explain each one of these songs and how they seem to fit into my life at the moment. Even now as I sit here reflecting on them its amazing to me. Animal explains my current relationship to a T, and I never even realized it. When Neon Trees sing "Hush, hush the world is quiet. Hush, hush we both can't fight it. It's us that made this mess. Why can't you understand?" I feel tingles on my arms and realize I understand the sentiment. I fight my feelings everyday, as does he. The problem is the fact that the realization of those feelings are crashing down around us and we can't keep up the charade anymore.

New Low may be about prison, except when I hear it I think of the four walls that surround me and are keeping me from my own happiness. The part that I relate to the most is, "So many directions I don't know which way to go I'm so busy doing nothing I got nothing to show." Right now, I have my whole life ahead of me, except I have nothing to show for what I want to do, what I am doing and what I have done.

A Mirror is harder to hold just causes me to reflect on my own life. Whenever I hear it, I realize that I can't judge the world because the truth is its harder to look at yourself. Then Bed of Roses, and have you ever needed someone so bad are just beautiful desperate love songs. When I hear them I hear the pain, and sorrow and need for someone to be there. To love someone. To give everything you have to them.

These songs at the moment represent who I am, and by reflecting on each lyric and why I feel the way I do; I realize that not only do have a lot of stuff to figure out, I need to give myself the time to come to terms with my own decisions.

The Outside Looking In

I know I cannot be the only one who feels this way. I just recently graduated from college. WOOHOO :) Yes, I am very excited that after four and a half torturous years I finally have my degree. However, they never prepare something you for once you leave college. That is the feeling of loneliness. 

I know I am not alone; I have spoken to a few people who have been experiencing this. It is a strange feeling. I have my entire life ahead of me, room to grow as a person, and plans that I do not want to change. Except lately, I feel as if I am the only person in the world, as if I no longer have any friends, any goals, and any real dreams. I want to get back to the girl I was before graduating. The one who was super involved and always perky. I had friends surrounding me at every step, and I felt loved. Now, I feel partially empty. As if, my expiration date is up. Is this what it feels like to get older? To lose friends? To realize that the people you once knew no longer fit in with you. 

I used to be able to stay up late, go out and drink and enjoy my youth; however, that has all changed. I have a career now. On the weekends instead of hitting up downtown, I am in bed by ten o'clock. And the bad part is I am still young. I should be out enjoying myself, celebrating. But I am tired from working and feel as if I have nothing in common with anyone anymore. 

That there is the real problem. I feel like I am no longer a part of a group. I am the outsider. And it is lonely on the outside. 

The Story of the Exes

So maybe this won't be advice, maybe it will be something we all can relate too. Everyone has them those men and woman who we consider to be our exes. We do everything we can to rid ourselves of them, except sometimes they are sneaky and you never rid yourself of them. I am pretty good at keeping my exes where they belong. They are my exes for a reason, and if I really thought they would have been good for me they would never have become an ex in the first place. Which leads me to my ramble of the day. My roommate has two exes too which he refuses to rid himself of.

1. The one from high school: This is the ex that leads to most peoples downfall. We fancy them to be our first love, our only true love and every guy and girl after we compare to this person. And this is what leads to our downfall and why this ex, will always be in our life. Especially if we let them be. My roommate does not seem to realize this, he brings these girls in and expects me to be cordial. As if. I know that girl, I was that girl and the only intention we have is to make your life hell since you left us in the first place. So congratulations, I hope the past does not keep you trapped for too long.

2. The latest ex: This is the ex, that we are still trying to work things out with. Make whatever went wrong right. So we still hang out with them, text them. Therein lies the problem, what went wrong will always be a problem. Issues have never magically disappeared. I am guilty of this, although lately I have become a little heartless and just leave my ex where he belongs. On the other hand however, my roommate continues to visit her for once a week. Calls her, texts her and dotes upon her. When will we ever learn? Some things do not change.

It is hard to let go of certain people, and I know that it is impossible to completely forget. However, there is a fine line, we cannot continue to let people who are no good for us stay in our lives and ruin any chance of finding a new more compatible partner.

Here's to the future :)

A Focus

I feel like a need a theme to this blog. A reason to write. And I think I found it, simply put everyone needs help with relationships. We all have issues, questions, and sometimes its nice to have someone to talk about everything. At work I am considered a guru, I give answers for questions and am very equipped with knowledge that I sometimes am not sure how I come by. However, advice is my thing. I am good at it, and I know what some people are curious about. Therefore, I am making this blog about all the ins and outs of relationships. Jealousy, exes, communication, sex, dates, rules, and anything else that may come to mine. I may be terrible at keeping a boyfriend, but I am damn good at understanding men and women. :)

Feelings, what are those?

Relationships. The bane of my existence. To put it simply, I suck at them. I can find a guy that is the easy part, they like me that too is easy. However, I have this issue called running. When I guy likes me that is my first instinct that is why my greatest relationships are with guys that challenge me, that make me hate them. It is a strange way to live really. I tend to 'talk' to a guy for a long time before backing out when he admits anything to me. Needless to say, I found one that I really, really like. Too much actually. We had been talking everyday, all day for the past month. Then it stops. Out of the blue. And for once, I am at a loss. Kind of hurt and confused. This is why I hate relationships, that feeling is not right. I hate not understanding the situation I am in. I want to know everything about why it happened. I am so laid back that it is hard to believe that when something like this happens my mind kicks into overdrive and I want to know WHY?!?!

Progress, nope not today!

Its tough, living with him, seeing him, and half the time wanting to throttle him. Lately, all we do is fight and ignore what anyone is actually saying. He yells at me and I yell back. He gets annoyed with every single thing that I do. I can barely breathe without him making a comment about it. I can’t even agree with him, without him thinking it means something else. The tension is unbearable, the feelings are unlike any other. And, I just want to understand why neither of us can be happy at the same time. I just want to know why we cannot go a day without fighting, I am broken and these tears are just becoming endless and tiring.

See more progress on: tell him I love him

The Below Post

My Pain, is an essay I wrote for my class. It brought me to tears and I thought I would share it with all of you :)

My Pain

As each question runs through my mind, only one stands out. Only one causes a reaction within me that allows me to write. In my life, I have faced a multitude of situations that have caused me immeasurable amounts of pain, and I have overcome them with the same grace and attitudes that were taught to me by my grandmother. However, nothing could stop me from making a decision that is so regrettable, that even now I know I should never have let my own pain keep me from following my dreams. Nevertheless, it was that pain that I was holding in, that led me to give up.

            I was ten years old, and at an age when most kids would be running around outside enjoying the freedoms that came with life. I was mourning the loss of a woman who was my inspiration. She had this habit of teaching me something without speaking words, my greatest lesson from her had come months before. I was an ‘elite’ bowler at a very young age and was competing for a state championship; all eyes were on me, watching as I readied myself for my last frame. My first ball hit eight pins leaving me with a split, my second ball did not curve, as I had wanted; I lost the championship by one pin. I was devastated and I tried hard to be happy for whomever I was bowling against but it was impossible. I was so angry with myself, but most of all I knew my grandma was disappointed. She said nothing as we walked to my grandpa’s minivan; we got in and started heading back home. It was ten minutes into the ride when she told my grandpa to pull over, I was pouting she said. Then before I knew it, she handed me the ugliest little doll, it has crazy orange yarn for hair, eyes drawn on with black marker, and the material of it is this dreadful yellow floral print and the stitching is all over the place. As I was looking at the doll, she whispered that she was very proud of me then turned back around.

            That doll became a lifeline at that moment, no one understood the impact of it and for a few months, after my grandmother had passed away I would carry that thing. On the front of this doll, a tattered old poem on it says, “When life is in the pits and you want to scream and shout, here’s a little Dammit Doll you cannot do without. Just grab it by its little legs and find a place to slam it; and as you whack its stuffing out, yell- Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.”  It may have not been the best gift for a ten-year-old girl, but it was useful, it helped me through what would become the darkest time of my life.

            I may not have had a firm grasp on life, I know now that I was young but I will never understand why my family, knowing that my grandmother was my hero, my lifeline, and in a way the mother I never had; however, my family would not let me fly to California with my aunts to say good-bye. They said I was too young and would never understand what happened, that I was not meant to see such things. Instead, I had the chance to send her a letter telling her good-bye and that I loved her.

            That was not enough though, just prior to her leaving for California I had told her that I thought I was getting to be too big to stay the night every weekend. To which she sadly replied, “You just don’t want to hang out with your grandma anymore do you?” At the time, I was unsure but I told her that, “it is not that I do not but I just want to have a normal life, I am tired of bowling and traveling.” Then she asked me if I wanted to quit bowling. I never answered her, she told me to have made a decision and when she returned from California I was too tell her my answer and then we would figure things out. I felt guilty that she left Iowa thinking that I no longer wanted to bowl. In fact, I loved bowling it was the one thing that we could do together. We could practice all week long then she would be standing right behind my chair with a smile and a coke every Saturday as I competed. I have never had a feeling quite like her comforting smile after an open frame or her cool glaze as I made a mistake by not listening to her.

            When the news came that she passed away, I was in shock and did not want to believe it even though people had been preparing me for it. The next few months went by in steely silence, I spoke to no one, and I barely even left my room. The funeral had been the hardest thing for me, before then I had never had a death in my family that hurt me so much. My grandfather tucked me under his arm and gave me a lifesaver. The lifesaver he said would help when it got too hard, to this day, I still suck on lifesavers when I am thinking or need to make a decision. I also never walked towards the casket to say my final goodbyes. The reason I gave my grandpa then was that, I did not want to remember this moment. I wanted to remember her smile as she hugged me goodbye, or the smile I imagined in my head as I wrote my letter goodbye. Time passed and it was time to get back to the alley and it was a short-lived experience. I walked into the alley, went to my lane and met with my team then the first ball I threw was terrible, and I turned around and she was not sitting there and I fell apart for the first time since she had passed away. It was then I knew that I would no longer bowl, I would never again step foot into an alley. I had to face the demons in myself, which came with her passing away.

            It has taken all of me to put these simple words in a paper; it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do to write about the woman who taught me to never run away. Knowing that I did exactly what she never would have wanted me to do. I am not proud of my decision to stop bowling and repeatedly I find myself contemplating the decision to return. However, it is always a short-lived notion, I know in order to bowl again I have to forgive myself. With that said, I know that the most pain I am holding on to is a decision I made, a decision that I find it hard to come to terms with. 

Questions

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, creating a deep sense of foreboding to be honest. I keep coming back to the same question over and over. What am I supposed to do with my life? It is a fair question for everyone. Does anyone know the answer?? I am guessing not, we can only take leaps of faith and hope with all of our heart that it is what we were meant to do. I was reading a paper today about cutting ones life short, that way people may do everything that want and love. However, I do not agree wholeheartedly with that point of view. Yes, life should be lived fully doing all that you want to do with it. Except, I feel even if people have shortened lives we may still do the job that lines our pocket instead of the job that we truly love.

Even as I contemplate that question I am thinking of myself. I would love to be able to sit inside a coffee shop all day developing my characters, writing my book or on my blog and enjoying some coffee. Regardless though, of what I want. I have bills that pile up, I have responsibilities and sadly enough I barely find the time to just sit around and do what I love. Yes, I wish I could quit my job and follow my life's dream but that seems extremely improbable. One day however, I will be able to enjoy a day in a coffee shop, writing without a worry in the world. But until then, I sit in my Dad's living room, procrastinating the homework that is due in a days time and thinking of days when worries will not bother me.

Mindless Drabble

I have spent the entire day writing, writing what I cannot say but I feel as if the words that have been flowing are more important than they seem to at first. Have you ever felt like that? Like you have so much to say but you do not honestly know what it is that you have to say. The words remove themselves from my brain in a fury and yet I do not understand what they are completely saying. I just want to feel, I want to feel and understand and question and I want to continue speaking my mind. I want to fully believe that anything I say will make a difference that I am not just speaking to a blank wall.

Let me continue on a different subject. I do not think I really know much about his blogging thing. I mean really everything I am saying means nothing really. Its just some mindless drabble that I myself find important enough to share with everyone on the internet. Hmm.. I wonder if anyone actually reads this..

A talk with a Purpose?

My dad decided that on Easter he would have a discussion with me about the choices I have been making in my life. I first thought awesome, I am going to get some lecture about how what I have chose to do is wrong and that I am not the same little girl I used to be. Instead, we sat down and he told me I was proud of me. That he was thankful I am making the decisions I wanted to make and that I was doing everything I could to follow my heart. Then he got this sad look on his face, and he looked down and he said there was only one thing he was unable to be happy about.

He said, I did everything I could to follow my heart; however, I was missing the big giant flashing letters that were present in my daily life. He said until I could admit to myself that I was missing something I would never understand a lot.

I was confused, lost and kind of mad. Where was this conversation even going? He ended it there actually. Walked away and into the kitchen to help my grandma with something. My mind was reeling, what the hell did he mean by that? What could I have been missing that he saw?

I think I just figured it out. I was just joking around with him and I had accidently held onto his hand, he didn't pull away, didn't flinch just kind of looked down. Then I moved. And the only thing going through my mind was shit, shit, shit. My dad was in fact very right. Except I now know what I was missing. I always say I cannot admit it, these feelings and I don't want to. Because admitting feelings is when things get tough. I cannot pretend to be an expert. But there is one thing I do know.

When two people are meant to be together, no matter how hard they try to deny it. It will happen; maybe not today or tomorrow but it will happen.

A Night Like Tonight

It is nights like these that I am inconceivably happier than any other time. I have a pot of coffee, a pack of cigarettes, music and a blank document waiting to be filled with words. For once, the stressors of life mean nothing to me and even though the homework is piling up as finals begin. I am completely happy with avoiding everything. It is peaceful tonight, and I cannot help but smile as I finish the last sentence of my newest poem. I have had a very encouraging week when it comes to writing. I have successfully put off a ten page research paper for a few poems and weight lifted off my shoulders. Oh my I love this feeling.

I guess it also helps when you find out that the best friend you won't admit you are in love with tells you he will be breaking up with his tramp of a girlfriend. Aw.. This smile is not going away anytime soon.

Tonight I am still listening to the wonderful Jessie J. And I shall say the same thing. YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS ALBUM :)

Untitled

All alone. 

Lost, with nowhere to go. 

I call out to the silence. 

Can anyone hear me? Anyone at all?

These tears are all dried up, spent and hurt.

Please, someone come through this madness.

I miss the chance to talk. 

The fear is overwhelming me. 

Will it be like this forever? 

Tell me, it won't. 

I just need to feel something. 

Anything will do. 

Am I even real? 

I can't feel anything anymore. 

I miss that. 

I miss touching, I miss my heartbeat, I miss breathing. 

Can you hear me? 

I'm still so alone. 

It's dark in here. 

I just want something to remind me of what I was.

Abracadabra

I have been listening to Jessie J's new album Who You Are constantly this past week. Each song is just as great as the last and if you don't know who she is, GO LISTEN! You won't be disappointed! :) 

 Well. That is all I have to say! Haha.

A Toy with a Title?!

When one thing goes wrong, everything follows. Is that one of Murphy's Laws? I think so. I mean really, how unlucky does one person have to be in a given day! Work was, one pissed off person after another. Therefore, my attitude was already at an all time low. Then I drive home. There is one thing that almost pisses me off more than anything else in the world and that is my best friends girlfriend. And all of the sudden bam, there is her car. Walk in the house and there she is on my couch and my temper is out the window. I grab a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and proceed to my back porch. I said nothing to anyone. I couldn't otherwise, I would have ended up yelling. Probably not good. Especially because I am supposed to be faking like I like this dumb ass girl. Ha. The joke is on you buddy, every moment that she is here I have been going over and over in my head how best not to punch her. That fake smile I wear, yeah I hope you like it. No one else does. When you ask if something is wrong? Why would I tell you, its almost impossible now.

How does a best friend, ask you to fake like his girlfriend? Shouldn't you just like her automatically. Plus, the faking is never going to be REAL, therefore this is a sham. Just like your entire relationship with her. Are you faking it too?? Oh.. now I get it. I live in a house full of liars. Well, congratulations. I must admit though, the day you finally dump her dumb ass I will be dancing, and drinking and being merry!!! Because guess what that may be one of the greatest days of my life.

Now, I know I am rating. But come on, I cannot be the only one who has ever disliked their best friends significant other. And just because he is a guy does not mean I am jealous of her. (Way too many people point that out to me. But guess what?!?! I am actually able to be great friends with a guy and not want to be with him. He is in fact my best friend. And that is all he will ever be.) But back to the jealousy, HA. Like I would be jealous of a girl who is just a toy with a title.

Hmm... I am feeling good about what is happening right now. Getting this out is reassuring. I hope you understand what I am saying here. We all have those people in our lives whom we cannot wait to dispose of, until then I say sweet dreams and I hope everyone the best! :)

Hello World :)

My first blog! Aren't you a lucky person for dropping by? :) I am not sure how exactly I want to write this blog, seeing as I am very new to the whole scene. I imagine I will express myself and what I am feeling at the present moment, and maybe even what has been crossing my mind. 

And at this present moment, my mind is completely blank. That for once is something new to me, I usually get accused for talking way too much which is why I tend to get in arguments with my roommate a lot. He hates the fact that my mouth doesn't stop running. Eh.. it happens though. One day I will learn to be quiet. 

But for now, I will return to the useless wonders of television and attempt to write a paper.