A talk with a Purpose?

My dad decided that on Easter he would have a discussion with me about the choices I have been making in my life. I first thought awesome, I am going to get some lecture about how what I have chose to do is wrong and that I am not the same little girl I used to be. Instead, we sat down and he told me I was proud of me. That he was thankful I am making the decisions I wanted to make and that I was doing everything I could to follow my heart. Then he got this sad look on his face, and he looked down and he said there was only one thing he was unable to be happy about.

He said, I did everything I could to follow my heart; however, I was missing the big giant flashing letters that were present in my daily life. He said until I could admit to myself that I was missing something I would never understand a lot.

I was confused, lost and kind of mad. Where was this conversation even going? He ended it there actually. Walked away and into the kitchen to help my grandma with something. My mind was reeling, what the hell did he mean by that? What could I have been missing that he saw?

I think I just figured it out. I was just joking around with him and I had accidently held onto his hand, he didn't pull away, didn't flinch just kind of looked down. Then I moved. And the only thing going through my mind was shit, shit, shit. My dad was in fact very right. Except I now know what I was missing. I always say I cannot admit it, these feelings and I don't want to. Because admitting feelings is when things get tough. I cannot pretend to be an expert. But there is one thing I do know.

When two people are meant to be together, no matter how hard they try to deny it. It will happen; maybe not today or tomorrow but it will happen.

A Night Like Tonight

It is nights like these that I am inconceivably happier than any other time. I have a pot of coffee, a pack of cigarettes, music and a blank document waiting to be filled with words. For once, the stressors of life mean nothing to me and even though the homework is piling up as finals begin. I am completely happy with avoiding everything. It is peaceful tonight, and I cannot help but smile as I finish the last sentence of my newest poem. I have had a very encouraging week when it comes to writing. I have successfully put off a ten page research paper for a few poems and weight lifted off my shoulders. Oh my I love this feeling.

I guess it also helps when you find out that the best friend you won't admit you are in love with tells you he will be breaking up with his tramp of a girlfriend. Aw.. This smile is not going away anytime soon.

Tonight I am still listening to the wonderful Jessie J. And I shall say the same thing. YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS ALBUM :)

Untitled

All alone. 

Lost, with nowhere to go. 

I call out to the silence. 

Can anyone hear me? Anyone at all?

These tears are all dried up, spent and hurt.

Please, someone come through this madness.

I miss the chance to talk. 

The fear is overwhelming me. 

Will it be like this forever? 

Tell me, it won't. 

I just need to feel something. 

Anything will do. 

Am I even real? 

I can't feel anything anymore. 

I miss that. 

I miss touching, I miss my heartbeat, I miss breathing. 

Can you hear me? 

I'm still so alone. 

It's dark in here. 

I just want something to remind me of what I was.

Abracadabra

I have been listening to Jessie J's new album Who You Are constantly this past week. Each song is just as great as the last and if you don't know who she is, GO LISTEN! You won't be disappointed! :) 

 Well. That is all I have to say! Haha.

A Toy with a Title?!

When one thing goes wrong, everything follows. Is that one of Murphy's Laws? I think so. I mean really, how unlucky does one person have to be in a given day! Work was, one pissed off person after another. Therefore, my attitude was already at an all time low. Then I drive home. There is one thing that almost pisses me off more than anything else in the world and that is my best friends girlfriend. And all of the sudden bam, there is her car. Walk in the house and there she is on my couch and my temper is out the window. I grab a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and proceed to my back porch. I said nothing to anyone. I couldn't otherwise, I would have ended up yelling. Probably not good. Especially because I am supposed to be faking like I like this dumb ass girl. Ha. The joke is on you buddy, every moment that she is here I have been going over and over in my head how best not to punch her. That fake smile I wear, yeah I hope you like it. No one else does. When you ask if something is wrong? Why would I tell you, its almost impossible now.

How does a best friend, ask you to fake like his girlfriend? Shouldn't you just like her automatically. Plus, the faking is never going to be REAL, therefore this is a sham. Just like your entire relationship with her. Are you faking it too?? Oh.. now I get it. I live in a house full of liars. Well, congratulations. I must admit though, the day you finally dump her dumb ass I will be dancing, and drinking and being merry!!! Because guess what that may be one of the greatest days of my life.

Now, I know I am rating. But come on, I cannot be the only one who has ever disliked their best friends significant other. And just because he is a guy does not mean I am jealous of her. (Way too many people point that out to me. But guess what?!?! I am actually able to be great friends with a guy and not want to be with him. He is in fact my best friend. And that is all he will ever be.) But back to the jealousy, HA. Like I would be jealous of a girl who is just a toy with a title.

Hmm... I am feeling good about what is happening right now. Getting this out is reassuring. I hope you understand what I am saying here. We all have those people in our lives whom we cannot wait to dispose of, until then I say sweet dreams and I hope everyone the best! :)

Hello World :)

My first blog! Aren't you a lucky person for dropping by? :) I am not sure how exactly I want to write this blog, seeing as I am very new to the whole scene. I imagine I will express myself and what I am feeling at the present moment, and maybe even what has been crossing my mind. 

And at this present moment, my mind is completely blank. That for once is something new to me, I usually get accused for talking way too much which is why I tend to get in arguments with my roommate a lot. He hates the fact that my mouth doesn't stop running. Eh.. it happens though. One day I will learn to be quiet. 

But for now, I will return to the useless wonders of television and attempt to write a paper.