The Dream

Today I woke up early, which is unusual because as of lately I have been sleeping in until I decide my bed is no longer the place I want to be. It is not very often however. Over the past couple of months I have lost interest in the person I am, I have no motivation, no goals. I am tired of being that girl. Today, I am starting over. I am going to set out and do everything I had planned to do once I graduated college. No more feeling sorry for myself or allowing myself to waste my days.

1. I am going to write every day, and not just say that I will. My life is going to be about doing, not standing idle.

2. I am going to take charge of my health and remember what it is like to eat right, exercise daily.

3. I am going to get in touch with old friends and begin making new friends.

4. I am going to do what I want. I will get my masters degree, I will find a better job and I will not back down.

5. I am going to remember that I am fearless.

By getting back in touch with my own reality, I hope to make myself the person I always wanted to be. Instead of living in my head, I am going to take charge once again and find my reason to wake up every morning and be.

"Don't let the negativity given to you by the world disempower you. Instead give to yourself that which empowers you." Les Brown

This is my motto. I live in a time when dreams seem to be scolded and lives told how to live. I am tired of living in a place that tells you that you do not have a chance to make your dreams come true. I am done with the negative, today I begin to live for one person and that person is ME. I think it is time to start being selfish and start living.

A Mirror is Harder to Hold

There are days when you just need to be by yourself. Today, I choose to put my headphones in and listen to music. I thought a lot about what I was listening to as well as I found myself hitting repeat on certain songs or the need to hear a couple others. Therefore, as of right now I have listened to the same 5 songs for about 6 hours straight.

1. Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad by Def Leppard

2. A Mirror is Harder to Hold by Jon Foreman

3. Animal by Neon Trees

4. New Low by Middle Class Rut

5. Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi

These five songs pretty much explain exactly how I am feeling at this moment. I find it quite interesting that what you listen to is a direct explanation of the mood you are in. I can explain each one of these songs and how they seem to fit into my life at the moment. Even now as I sit here reflecting on them its amazing to me. Animal explains my current relationship to a T, and I never even realized it. When Neon Trees sing "Hush, hush the world is quiet. Hush, hush we both can't fight it. It's us that made this mess. Why can't you understand?" I feel tingles on my arms and realize I understand the sentiment. I fight my feelings everyday, as does he. The problem is the fact that the realization of those feelings are crashing down around us and we can't keep up the charade anymore.

New Low may be about prison, except when I hear it I think of the four walls that surround me and are keeping me from my own happiness. The part that I relate to the most is, "So many directions I don't know which way to go I'm so busy doing nothing I got nothing to show." Right now, I have my whole life ahead of me, except I have nothing to show for what I want to do, what I am doing and what I have done.

A Mirror is harder to hold just causes me to reflect on my own life. Whenever I hear it, I realize that I can't judge the world because the truth is its harder to look at yourself. Then Bed of Roses, and have you ever needed someone so bad are just beautiful desperate love songs. When I hear them I hear the pain, and sorrow and need for someone to be there. To love someone. To give everything you have to them.

These songs at the moment represent who I am, and by reflecting on each lyric and why I feel the way I do; I realize that not only do have a lot of stuff to figure out, I need to give myself the time to come to terms with my own decisions.

The Outside Looking In

I know I cannot be the only one who feels this way. I just recently graduated from college. WOOHOO :) Yes, I am very excited that after four and a half torturous years I finally have my degree. However, they never prepare something you for once you leave college. That is the feeling of loneliness. 

I know I am not alone; I have spoken to a few people who have been experiencing this. It is a strange feeling. I have my entire life ahead of me, room to grow as a person, and plans that I do not want to change. Except lately, I feel as if I am the only person in the world, as if I no longer have any friends, any goals, and any real dreams. I want to get back to the girl I was before graduating. The one who was super involved and always perky. I had friends surrounding me at every step, and I felt loved. Now, I feel partially empty. As if, my expiration date is up. Is this what it feels like to get older? To lose friends? To realize that the people you once knew no longer fit in with you. 

I used to be able to stay up late, go out and drink and enjoy my youth; however, that has all changed. I have a career now. On the weekends instead of hitting up downtown, I am in bed by ten o'clock. And the bad part is I am still young. I should be out enjoying myself, celebrating. But I am tired from working and feel as if I have nothing in common with anyone anymore. 

That there is the real problem. I feel like I am no longer a part of a group. I am the outsider. And it is lonely on the outside.