Closer

I truly have made progress on this. I believe I have at least. This weekend my roommate kind of got a bit snide with me, said some comment that really doesn’t matter. It did get under my skin, but I didn’t let this bother me. I was heading to bed anyway and had to be up early to go see my family. I left our apartment Saturday morning and went about my business. Sunday night I came home, and I really didn’t want to be around anyone so I just went into my room and left him alone.

This morning I get a text from him asking me if I am done pouting. Personally, I really wasn’t mad at him. He has this habit of always saying something to put me down and actually hurts my feelings more often than not. I used to go to my dad’s when ever he did this. I guess in that sense I was running away, but only to a place I felt more welcome. Then he sends this text saying that the only thing I am good at is running away just like my mother.

That was a bit of a low blow. I have gotten over what happened with my mother leaving and have come to terms. I also have gotten over the comment he made to me on Friday. In all honesty, I really was not upset. I wanted to spend Easter with my family. Now, things are rockier than ever here. He has this habit of just ruining things. I don’t even feel comfortable around him anymore. He used to be my best friend, now we are just two strangers living in the same space.

I don’t think I was running. I am pretty positive that I am facing my own demons. I just wish the one person I care about the most would actually notice this, instead of pushing me away.

See more progress on: stop running away

Late Night Additions

It’s been awhile since I have been on here. Also, has been awhile since I have actually written anything. It has been quite disappointing really knowing that I have let myself down. However, tonight I am not dwelling on the past indiscretions and failures. Instead I have charged forward and have begun again. I have taken up my pen and have let myself go. I have made a promise to myself that I will not stop when I hit a wall because all obstacles were meant to be overcome. Sometimes we just need a bit of a reason or maybe even a little kick. Now – my break is over, I am back and I will not let myself down.

See more progress on: write a book

A Gift I Can't Get :(

I realized about five minutes ago that I get annoyed really easily and I don't really know what to do with that feeling.. It is just a name on a Christmas gift. But the fact is I think what bothers me the most about it, is I had no idea that things were getting that serious. I mean he is my best friend, I am supposed to know things like who he is dating and such. And yet, I had no idea. Now, gifts sit underneath my Christmas tree all marked from Jon and Lisa. I am stunned. I mean, yes I don't really like her, and I have told him this much but it still bothers me that I am not important enough to know that they are that serious?? Its just bothersome and I think the worst part is, is that it hurts.

We used to tell one another everything and now we can barely tell one another about our day. I miss the friend I had and I want him back. I just don't know what to do anymore...

I am Proud

Today is the day, are you enjoying  it? Or are you allowing it to consume you, tear you apart and make a stew out of you? It seems that the trouble these days has nothing to do with our present society but the fact that the citizens are forgetting who they are. Have you done anything lately that you are proud of? Something that makes you stand up straight, scream at the sky saying I did it, I succeeded and today I am proud of myself. Is that not what we all want to be able to do?


 We walk this earth for a short amount of time but we take for granted the time we spend alone, we cannot face the facts that maybe we are meant for more than the mundane life we are leading. When do you realize that? When do you take back control, and decide what your life is going to be like. It is not something that can be taken lightly, we must fight for our strength, we must learn from our past and we must remember to keep moving forward. The moment you stop, is the moment you lose your momentum towards a life that you want. That is the moment that you find that you are not who you thought you were. You are not what everyone expects. At some point, you will disappoint people, and you will disappoint yourself-it is important to learn that these disappointments are what will propel you forward. They will rejuvenate you and create a new spark. So, you didn’t win the race on Saturday. Do you give up?


 No, you practice harder, run harder, and never look back and before you know it you are in the winner’s circle holding up that glorious trophy. Because that is all we want, a reward for our accomplishments. Someone to validate our self-esteem and say, congratulations.  That is why it is important to get this message across. We can validate our own victories. They do not have to be races, or games. They can be simple victories like getting up in the morning. It’s something that is easily overlooked but very important for any person to accomplish. Would you be where you are today if you did not first wake up?


Until next time


:)  

35,000?!?!?! Where do I even begin???

I have been out of the loop for a good month I think :/ It was good for me though, I needed to evaluate some things and think about how my life is going right now. It seems weird to be a 22 year old college graduate, however, if seems even stranger that I have allowed myself to stand idle. I am not usually the kind of person who stands backs and forgets to live but that is exactly what I have been doing. In the past month my roommate Mike and I got into a huge fight. Honestly, I am not entirely sure what it was about but it took us 2 weeks to actually apologize. In that time I went and stayed with my dad.

Those 2 weeks reminded me as to why I live on my own. I love my father to death but being home is kind of a life sucker for me. I don't go out and do anything. I have no motivation and all I did was work and sit around. Well... I also became slightly addicted to the show True Blood which is totally amazing. And this will not be the only time I ever mention it. But that is a whole other story for another day entirely :) Back to this past month.

I think I may have ruined a started relationship. If that is what you call it.. It was 3 years of tension all boiled down to one evening when we finally allowed ourselves to explore the idea of a relationship. Except, I did what I always do and I cut him off. I have barely talked to him in the past month and I won't even go see him.  I am a basketcase :) But I am dealing. I'll figure something out, I usually do.

Well... I also decided to get another job :D Oh boy.. Now I am going to overwork myself but its all for a good cause. I got the total for my student loans.... $35,000... Private college sucks :(

Now to begin the next chapter. I'm home, working, and seemingly at ease with things. I hope it stays this way. And I hope 35,000 dollars disappears really fast!!!!!!!!

Until the next time..
Enjoy life :)

The Dream

Today I woke up early, which is unusual because as of lately I have been sleeping in until I decide my bed is no longer the place I want to be. It is not very often however. Over the past couple of months I have lost interest in the person I am, I have no motivation, no goals. I am tired of being that girl. Today, I am starting over. I am going to set out and do everything I had planned to do once I graduated college. No more feeling sorry for myself or allowing myself to waste my days.

1. I am going to write every day, and not just say that I will. My life is going to be about doing, not standing idle.

2. I am going to take charge of my health and remember what it is like to eat right, exercise daily.

3. I am going to get in touch with old friends and begin making new friends.

4. I am going to do what I want. I will get my masters degree, I will find a better job and I will not back down.

5. I am going to remember that I am fearless.

By getting back in touch with my own reality, I hope to make myself the person I always wanted to be. Instead of living in my head, I am going to take charge once again and find my reason to wake up every morning and be.

"Don't let the negativity given to you by the world disempower you. Instead give to yourself that which empowers you." Les Brown

This is my motto. I live in a time when dreams seem to be scolded and lives told how to live. I am tired of living in a place that tells you that you do not have a chance to make your dreams come true. I am done with the negative, today I begin to live for one person and that person is ME. I think it is time to start being selfish and start living.

A Mirror is Harder to Hold

There are days when you just need to be by yourself. Today, I choose to put my headphones in and listen to music. I thought a lot about what I was listening to as well as I found myself hitting repeat on certain songs or the need to hear a couple others. Therefore, as of right now I have listened to the same 5 songs for about 6 hours straight.

1. Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad by Def Leppard

2. A Mirror is Harder to Hold by Jon Foreman

3. Animal by Neon Trees

4. New Low by Middle Class Rut

5. Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi

These five songs pretty much explain exactly how I am feeling at this moment. I find it quite interesting that what you listen to is a direct explanation of the mood you are in. I can explain each one of these songs and how they seem to fit into my life at the moment. Even now as I sit here reflecting on them its amazing to me. Animal explains my current relationship to a T, and I never even realized it. When Neon Trees sing "Hush, hush the world is quiet. Hush, hush we both can't fight it. It's us that made this mess. Why can't you understand?" I feel tingles on my arms and realize I understand the sentiment. I fight my feelings everyday, as does he. The problem is the fact that the realization of those feelings are crashing down around us and we can't keep up the charade anymore.

New Low may be about prison, except when I hear it I think of the four walls that surround me and are keeping me from my own happiness. The part that I relate to the most is, "So many directions I don't know which way to go I'm so busy doing nothing I got nothing to show." Right now, I have my whole life ahead of me, except I have nothing to show for what I want to do, what I am doing and what I have done.

A Mirror is harder to hold just causes me to reflect on my own life. Whenever I hear it, I realize that I can't judge the world because the truth is its harder to look at yourself. Then Bed of Roses, and have you ever needed someone so bad are just beautiful desperate love songs. When I hear them I hear the pain, and sorrow and need for someone to be there. To love someone. To give everything you have to them.

These songs at the moment represent who I am, and by reflecting on each lyric and why I feel the way I do; I realize that not only do have a lot of stuff to figure out, I need to give myself the time to come to terms with my own decisions.